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Triathlon Humor

TRI not to pee yourself!

A New Bike

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A cyclist shows up at the local race on a new bike.
His friends all ask, “Where did you get a new bike?”
The cyclist replies, “Well, yesterday I was out running when this absolutely beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want!”


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Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a scratch-n-sniff sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool.

A Cheating Wife

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Dear Abby,

I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife is cheating on me. I see the usual signals; the phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with ‘the girls’ a lot lately, although when I ask for their names she says, “just some friends from work, you don’t know them.” I try to stay awake to see when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. I think deep down, I just didn’t want to know the truth.

Last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.  Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my road and mountain bikes so I could get a good view of the street when she arrived home from her night out with ‘the girls’.  When she got out of the car, she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open. She took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that very moment, crouching behind my bike, I noticed a slight crack in the downtube, two inches behind the headset. Is this something I can fix myself, or should I take it back to the bike shop?

— Concerned Cyclist

Heaven for Cyclists

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A dedicated cyclist dies and goes to heaven.  Waiting for him at the gate is St. Peter.  The first thing the cyclists asks is if there are bikes in heaven.

“Of course,” says St. Peter, “come with me and I’ll show you,” He leads the cyclist into the most beautifully exquisite velodrome you could possibly imagine.

“This is amazing,” the cyclist says.

“It certainly is,” says St. Peter. “You will have a custom bike and the best cycling clothes anyone could hope for, and your personal masseuse will always available.”

As they are talking, they hear an amazing roar and are nearly swept off their feet by a huge gust of wind as something just sped by them on the boards riding a gold plated bike.

“Wow!” the cyclist exclaims. “That guy was amazingly fast, it must have been Lance Armstrong!”

“No,” says St. Peter, “that was God on the bike, he only thinks he’s Lance”.

Chuck Norris in Triathlon

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Chuck Norris likes his toast with body glide and chain grease. What does he use to lube his chain? Terrorist tears.

Chuck Norris didn’t get an Ironman tattoo, Ironman got a tattoo of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not use Body Glide; his nipples can cut steel.

Chuck Norris doesn’t need a wetsuite because water gets out of his way.

Chuck Norris eats actual hammers for nutrition.

Chuck Norris did Ironman Wisconsin and Ironman New Orleans. He never stopped swimming. The Mississippi River was created.

Chuck Norris has only wrecked once, in Ironman Arizona. The aftermath of his crash is commonly known as The Grand Canyon.

Chuck Norris has no need for aero bars, disc wheels, or a helmet. He simply stairs down the air and it moves out of his way.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a timing chip on his ankle. Once the race is over HE decides what his time should be.

Chuck Norris does not need a razor to shave his legs. He just has to flex.

Chuck Norris can volunteer at a triathlon and still win it.

You know what Chuck Norris puts in his fuel belt? Fuel.

Chuck Norris had to stop training for the bike. When he rode from east to west, the Earth’s rotation changed causing time to reverse. Later, the makers of Superman II stole his idea.

When Chuck Norris did Ironman, the lead motorcycle had to draft off him just to keep up

Chuck Norris is allowed to buy “Finisher merchandise before the race.

During the post-ironman interview, Chuck Norris responded with, “What race?”

If Chuck Norris got a flat on the bike, he would just take yours.

The ongoing wind on the Queen K was created by one of Chuck’s round house kicks in 1983.